Return to the Market

Well, well! Who do we have here? Hey there, kid, welcome back. Didn’t I tell you you’d be a repeat customer? So good to see you again. Here have a cup of tea, kid. Those hands of yours shaking again, aren’t they? Well, you’ve come to the right place. I’ve got plenty to tempt and delight you. Even got some new stock in that I think you’ll enjoy. Why don’t we start with that since you know everything that was here last time.

Oh, no, don’t get up kid. You sit there and drink your tea. It’ll warm you up and maybe help stop those shivers. I got this new thing from a hitchhiking friend. Now normally, it’s a guide to the galaxy containing everything you might want to know about it. But he was able to reconfigure it for me to display my merchandise and any information related to it. Handy, eh? Here, let’s top off your tea while I go get that book.

And here we are, kid! This little thing has been the most remarkable timesaver for me. What was that? Oh no, I couldn’t part with this. Definitely not for sale. But if my friend Ford ever comes by again, I’ll keep you in mind, kid. But let’s flip to my new merchandise. Price? Let’s not talk price until you’ve decided what you want. It can be anything, really. Just depends on what your little heart desires.

Why don’t we start here, in this gorgeous piece of land? I’ve got some rings I bargained off a group of dwarves. Beautiful, magic things they are. I’ve got seven and each has its own enchantment. And look here! You see this little silver and crystal piece that looks like a flower? I managed to get this off an elegant elf lady with hair like sunlight. The whole time, she spoke in my head and knew things about me. I exchanged a little information for this ring but, honestly, it seemed like she was ready to get rid of it. What do you think, kid? Breathtaking, aren’t they? Or how about this handsomely crafted piece? While it looks like shiny chainmail, this shirt is actually made of one of the strongest metals found in that world. It’s called mithril and this shirt has stopped quite a few death blows. And this is the crown jewel of my collection from that world. Don’t be fooled by its appearance. While it looks like simple gold, this ring will allow you to escape and halt your aging. Though, the old hobbit I got this off of mentioned a darkness, a malevolent entity attached to it. Oh but don’t worry, kid, wipe that fear from your face! I’m sure it’s all just myth and fantasy.

Ah, I remember that face. Nothing quite what you’re looking for, is it? Feast your eyes on this, kid. You remember that T-Virus you were looking at last time you were here? Well, this here is the G-Virus. It’s sort of like an upgraded version of the T-Virus. Creates a lot more nasty mutations. And over here is another version of the virus called Las Plagas. You want a zombie army that still retains its old skills? You want a nearly unkillable army that can still follow orders? This is the virus for you. I have seen the results and can personally attest to the effectiveness of it. I still shudder sometimes, thinking of my excursions into that world.

No? I suppose it is rather frightening, isn’t it? Not a problem, kid, not a problem. I’ve got a few... ahem... safer things lying around here too. Let me just flip the page, and have I mentioned how much I love this book?, and here we are. Have you ever heard of a piece of eight? It’s an old type of currency. This, while it may not be currency, is called a piece of eight. If you can gather all nine of them to go along with this wooden eyeball, you can summon a goddess. Do you think you’ll be the one to free her from her chains, kid? Or even this. I had to go through quite a lot to get this book. And it’s far bigger than it appears from this picture. This is called The Pirate’s Code, written by two old pirates called Morgan and Bartholomew. Believe you me, the pirates I... acquired this from were not happy to see me leave with it. What do you think, kid? This tickle your fancy?

Oh no, don’t worry, kid. I know you are careful in what you buy. Remember last time we went through my whole booth? I’m sure we’ll find what you’re craving, never fear about that. How about we look at these? Shiny isn’t it? This comes from another realm, one of gods and monsters and magic. This little blue cube is something called the Tesseract. And you see this hammer? I couldn’t quite lift it but I found a way to take it with me. Want to try your hand at it? And these blueprints here, aren’t they just fascinating? This is how the lord of that place, an old friend who’s now blind due to a deal with me, built the bridge to other worlds. Want to buy it and build your own, kid? Imagine what’s waiting out there just for you to discover. Of course, not all of it is friendly, you know.

All right, we’re moving on, I see you shaking your head. Here, have some more tea. This sugar is the finest available, here on my humble little planet. It’s just delicious and the perfect accompaniment to the tea. Look at this, kid, look at this. This little piece of metal is actually quite amazing. Press that button there and a blade made of light and power erupts from the hilt. It’s red which, in that world, means that it is very rare. Red is used by the enemy of life in that world. And look here, it’s actually a double-ended piece. A blade will appear out of the opposite side as well. I salvaged this from the capital world, sneaking my way past some robots. This look like something you could use, kid? Not quite? How about this then? Also from that world and, while not illegal, is very, very rare. These gemstones come from a planet called Bespin, a gas giant. They are formed deep inside the atmosphere where pressure reaches unimaginable heights. It’s a considerable gamble trying to mine for these. So how about it?

No? That’s all right, kid, that’s all right. I know I’ll have something here to calm that shaking in your hands. Do you mind if I ask what it comes from? No, no, don’t get up! It’s not my place to pry, keep your secrets, kid. You know what? I think I’m going to flip to the catalog from a completely different place. These are a little creepy but these red, jewel-like things are actually hearts. Real, beating hearts from real, living people. A witch perfected the art of pulling them out of their owner’s chests. With these, you can control the person the heart belongs to, speaking through their mouth if you so choose. You want one, kid? Or even more than one? No? I can understand that. I don’t like touching the things myself. They’re warm and they pulse. But how about this from that world? This dust is called fairy dust. It has immense magical properties really only limited by your own imagination. I’ve seen it used to turn a man turned to wood back into the little boy he once was. Or to cast a protection shield over an entire town. No? Take a look at this, then. This plant is called dreamshade and it’s very deadly. One scratch from the plant itself or a weapon coated in sap from it will kill the victim. Once the poison reaches the heart, that’s it. Lights out, kid.

A little too violent for your tastes? I see, I see. Why don’t we take a step sideways then and look at these fabulous delicacies. Though you’d need to be very careful sampling any of them. These cookies here, delicate and covered in icing, can make you grow bigger. This drink, here in its crystal bottle, makes you grow smaller. Good for getting in and out of places, you know? Why, with this drink, you could even slide through keyholes. Still not to your taste? How about this then? This is called the Vorpal Blade and is the only thing that can kill the feared Jabberwocky. I bargained it off a girl in a blue dress with blood staining her fingers. I think she couldn’t wait to get rid of it.

Ah, shaking your head, I see. This world bores you, doesn’t it, kid? Well, I got some new items in that grace your traditional black markets. Yet, like I said last time, I would argue mine is by far the best. I have such variety and at such reasonable prices. This is a list of secret communication within a world government, complementary and not-so-complimentary things said about other world leaders. Or every mole in different countries working against the local government. These names are nearly priceless. No? I’ve got some larger items here. See this? This is called a Stealth. It’s a plane that can fly faster than most others and be completely undetectable as well. There are a few... modifications that aren’t completely from its planet of origin that make the Stealth that much more interesting. Of course, no one knows about those modifications except a select few. You want one of these beautiful things? No? Well, how about this. These are the blueprints to every government building in your world. Bargained this off a man desperate to escape and these were his only coin. Got him set up in a nice little world, too. I must say, he seemed overjoyed to see talking animals and moving trees. Meant he was so far away from his home that he’d likely never be found. What do you think, kid?

All right, moving on, moving on. Would you like some more tea? I see you’ve drained your cup again. Delicious tea, isn’t it? I got it from another world from one of the great elven cities, Ondoladeshiron. They make some spectacular tea, consider it an artform. This was my favorite of all the ones I sampled. Why don’t we move on to another world, one set in the future. There was a great cataclysm there, one that drowned nearly the whole world. Men travel the seas, trying to survive and looking for bits of the cultures that lived there before. This pot is filled with honest-to-goodness dirt, kid. This stuff sells for a premium because it’s the best way to grow food there. And this. It’s a tomato plant, something so rare and valuable. Men have killed for plants like these. And this jug is filled with fresh water. It’s so necessary and, even though the world is covered with water, it’s all undrinkable. The body can’t handle saltwater, you know? Oh, and if you promise to keep this secret, I’ll show you the prize piece of this collection. Huddle in close, kid, I don’t want anyone overhearing. This is worth more than my life and yours combined. See this picture? It’s a tattoo on the back of a little girl. It shows the path to the only dry land left in that world. Fresh water, plants, and animals abound there. What do you think? Want to go on a quest for the promised land?

Not what you want, kid? Never fear, I’m sure we’ll find something. We’re nearing the end of my stall again, you know. But that’s all right, I remember you looking through everything so carefully the first time, kid. Have a look at this. There’s another world I like to visit sometimes, one that’s rather hard to find if you don’t know the way. And, to be quite honest, most die while searching for it. This world is home to various people and dinosaurs. The dinosaurs died out millenia ago on that world everywhere else but this island. It’s almost like a time capsule. People have been finding the island here and there for centuries and they’d formed a civilization with the dinosaurs. And everything they have is powered by these stones. They glow with power and can even provide power to an entire city. What do you think, kid? Want one? Oh, I see you looking at the next page. Interested in all those eggs there? They’re from the same place, you know. Dinosaur eggs. The dinosaurs pair up with a human and spend their lives together. The dinosaurs have all developed sentience and have their own language. They can even learn our language while you can learn theirs. I have several different species, though they’re all herbivores. The carnivores are impossible to live beside and can only be tolerated. So, interested kid?

And that’s all for this time around, kid. Here, have a cookie while you think. My mother makes these herself. No eggs in them as she’s allergic. They’re some of the best I’ve ever had. So, what do you think? Did you see something to make your heart beat faster and the shakes to stop in your hands? Oh you did! That’s wonderful, kid, just wonderful. I’ll even throw in another Ice Planet for you since you liked the last one so much. So, just tell me, kid. What’ll it be this time?